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Thank you for visiting our
website. I hope some of our
features were helpful and comforting to you.
Usually people visit because they or someone they know recently
lost a pet and are experiencing grief much deeper than they had expected.
They come here looking for help.
Some contact me personally and I am honored to assist them.
Others post tributes to their best friends and are helped by others
who frequent the site. Hopefully
they leave having ordered a copy of Cold Noses at the Pearly Gates,
because it has brought hope to so many…but to ensure that all who visit
seeking help get it, I want everyone to have a complimentary copy of this
free E-tip booklet.
These tips (actually they
are answers) address the most common questions I have been asked over the
years. I hope they are an
encouragement to you. If you
have additional questions, please use the e-mail address provided.
I respond to all e-mail personally and as quickly as possible.
Lately, I have been very busy and have not been able to maintain my
goal of responding to everyone within 2 hours.
I apologize for this, but I will get back to you just as soon as I
possibly can.
Gary Kurz, Author
Here then are the most common questions I am asked either by readers or
talk show hosts, and the responses I give.
1. I feel so
crushed and so alone. Surely
no one has experienced what I am going through.
What can I do?
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This is the most common
and most heartbreaking question that I get from people.
Perhaps it is yours. The
hard truth is that losing a pet can sometimes be even more devastating
than losing a relative or friend.
I have lost close relatives and not dropped very many tears, but I
have cried for years over the loss of a precious pet.
If you are like me, I assure you that we are not alone in the way
we feel. People from every
walk of life contact me and confide in me that they are grieving their
best friend more than they ever thought they would, more than even close
relatives who have passed. They
are devastated, emotionally crippled by their loss.
And as I mentioned above, grief knows no bounds, it visits people
from every station in life, including our first Lady Mrs. Bush,
Hollywood
celebrities, Veterinarians, military men and women and a host of others.
I have been contacted by all of these and more, and all suffer from
grief in the same way.
There are probably scores
of reasons for the way we feel, but from my experience, it boils down to
just one. Unless it is an
immediate family member, such as a child or spouse, when we lose relatives
and friends, there is a modicum of detachment in the relationship.
They are free-willed individuals who live their own lives and
basically are responsible and capable of taking care of themselves.
Their passing is painful, but we usually know that we bear no
responsibility in it. They
lived their lives, made their own decisions and moved in their own
directions.
Animals are quite different. When
we take an animal into our home, or even if it is a pet that is kept
outside, we assume great responsibility for their welfare and well being.
They depend upon us for sustenance, shelter, companionship, love,
grooming, medical help and myriad other things.
In return they confer devotion, loyalty and love upon us.
When we come home at the end of the day, beaten down by the
drudgery and commotion of the world, they don't care if we are in a good
mood or a bad one, they are right there to purr and rub our leg or to
thump their tail on the floor and lick our hand.
They don't care if we shower or not, whether we smoke or have bad
breath…they just want to be near us and make us feel loved.
Their devotion and enthusiasm endears them to us and we grow very
close. In many ways, we come
to depend upon them as much as they do us…their gleefulness at our
presence, their utter focus upon us for attention…it comes to play a big
factor in the way we feel. They
make us happy. They make us
laugh. They make us feel like
we are the most important person on earth.
It is virtually impossible
to not bond closely with such warm and loving personalities.
They are like perpetual children to us.
Like children because they depend upon us for all their needs,
perpetual because they never grow up and leave the nest as our human
children do. We are their
guardians (and they ours) for their duration.
They discreetly but masterfully mark their turf in our hearts and
before we know it, we belong to them as much as they belong to us.
Is it no wonder then that
at their passing we feel as crushed as we do?
Not only have we lost a dear family member, but we have lost our
closest friend. If that were
not enough, there is also a sense of failure and guilt that as their
guardians we could not sustain them and prevent their passing. Sub-consciously
we blame ourselves for not being able to do more.
We play the "what if" game and go over and over again in
our minds the circumstances, wondering if we could have done more.
It is human nature to have such feelings, but that does not
justify them. If you allow
those feelings of failure and guilt to prevail, you are going to have a
very hard time coping with your loss.
I suggest rather, that you
recount your life with your best friend.
Remember the things you did for him/her.
Remember the joy in their lives and how they seemed to spring to
life when you were around. Reactions
like that come only from feeling loved.
Your best friend celebrated your return home each day because
he/she knew they were loved. You
made the difference in their life. You
made their life worth living. You
loved them and they knew it. Where
love prevailed, there is no room for the negative feelings.
If you are going to grieve, grieve their absence only.
Don't second-guess whether you could have done more for them.
Hold them in your heart,
but know that physically they are in another place, a place far superior
to the one they left. I
explain all this in Cold Noses at the Pearly Gates, but know that I would
never say anything of such gravity if I were not absolutely sure of my
facts.
2. I had to
put my best friend down. I
don't know if I did the right thing. Should
I have waited longer? Does
he/she understand? I
feel so guilty, what can I do?
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This is the proverbial
"what if" syndrome that I briefly mentioned above.
I not only field this question almost every day from readers, but
have been guilty of asking these questions myself with the passing of my
own pets. These questions
might also be asked by people who lost their pet in an accident, one they
feel may have been prevented. Either
scenario is quite unsettling for someone who has a tender heart for
animals.
If you did have to put
your best friend down, I would direct you to my "Article page"
on this website and suggest that you read the article "Making the BIG
Decision". I know this
perspective will help you frame your emotions better alleviate the guilt.
If you feel that you
contributed to an accident or loss by leaving a gate open or by not
leashing your pet or whatever other reasons you might be blaming yourself
for, you need to stop for just a moment, set your pain aside, and try to
focus on what I say below. I
do not know your personal beliefs or whether you believe in anything
beyond this life at all. My
purpose is not to convert you to my way of thinking, but to give you
something to think about. Let
me start by posing a few provocative questions.
Are you able to change the
future? Have you the ability
to see the future? Is there
anything you can do change the future of anyone else?
Obviously, the answer to these questions is "no".
One might argue that you can influence someone's future by a
specific action on your part. I
submit that was probably their future all along, to be influenced by you.
No one can tell the outcome of a thing, what the future might
hold. It is beyond our reach.
It is not for us to know until it happens.
Similarly, the Bible tells us that our day of passing cannot be
known. Not ours, not our pets.
It is "the future".
There is nothing we can do
to stop it. It is what will
happen. Once it happens, it
becomes the past. We can no
more change the future than we can the past.
Please don't misunderstand me.
I am not saying, as some erroneously do, that our futures are
dictated and planned so that we have no choice.
Quite the contrary, I believe our futures are dictated by our
actions and to a lesser scale, by the actions of others.
Many other factors impact upon it as well, the environment, the
weather, etc. But whatever
comes, it is the future, which briefly becomes the present and then
permanently becomes the past.
If your best friend was
lost through some unfortunate happenstance, it was that future coming to
pass. It was not
predetermined. It was not
predestinated. It was just
what was going to be. Some
call it "fate", and I suppose that word will serve as well as
any. The important thing to
realize is that you were powerless to change it.
The future is what it is and it is out of our control.
I know that looking back at the past, you would have changed the
future if you could, but in the present you had no idea what the future
would bring. I know that is a
mouthful, but I hope you understand it and I hope you accept it.
Had you been able to
foresee the future passing of your pet (and no one can), in your heart,
you know you would have done anything, paid any amount, whatever it took,
to change it… but alas, it just was not within your power.
Consider that you had no control.
Consider too that if you did, things would be different.
It was not at all your will for it to be this way.
Accordingly, while you must grieve, do so punish yourself for
something you are not responsible for.
Grieve purely without the "what ifs".
The future came without "what ifs" and you should not be
holding yourself responsible.
3. Will I
ever recover? Will this pain
ever lessen or stop?
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The short answer is
"yes", you will recover and the pain will definitely get better.
Eventually it will stop. Offering
the short answer, however, does not make the process shorter.
There is much that you are going to have to endure.
I am not sure where your grief might register on the wide spectrum
of pain, but if this question is important to you, no doubt your pain
registers very high, and so I will proceed with a little more depth and
substance to my response.
I am not a psychiatrist or
psychologist, but you don't have to be either to have experienced loss and
pain and to tell others what to expect.
I recommend that everyone acquire a good book on grief recovery
written by a professional counselor or psychiatrist.
I do not recommend any one book in particular, for I have found
that all generally say the same thing.
Just buy one or visit your library and spend some time learning
about what you are going through and why.
Depending upon where you
are in your loss experience, you are going to go through all the several
stages of shock, denial, deal-making, anger, and all the other levels of
grief before you arrive at acceptance's door.
And once you cross that threshold, it is only then that the real
healing can begin. You will be
able to move on with your life, even though the pain continues to
"hitchhike" with you. Eventually
grief's grip loosens, ever so little at first, but then in greater measure
as the great healer, time, does its work.
For awhile, the precious, treasured memories will be painful; the
pictures will bring tears; but eventually the preciousness will return and
you will be able to embrace both pictures and memories again.
For awhile sights, sounds, even smells will trigger memories, that
in turn trigger grief, but even that will wane, in time.
For some (and definitely
not for everyone), a new pet (or another pet already part of the family)
will bring a soothing balm to their heart.
A new personality that devotes itself to you and loves you will
give your heart a break from the pain and a way to channel the love you
hold and need to express. Many
keep themselves from this means of recovery because they feel to get a new
pet is to replace the one who has gone ahead, that it is an act of
betrayal. If that is the way
you feel, then I recommend you do not cause yourself even more pain by
getting a new pet. It would
not be fair to either you or the pet.
However, if you can see,
as I do, that this is not a betrayal, but rather an act of love that would
honor your departed best friend, rescuing
one of his/her own kind from a shelter or from an abusive situation, then
it might be for you. My
heart has a place staked out for each of my buddies who have moved on and
that will never change…but there is lots of room for other buddies too.
In my case, another pet was necessary to help not only me, but
another surviving pet who was having a hard time dealing with the loss. In
my case, it worked extremely well…it helped me and it helped my other
grieving pets. For a short
time, it was nothing more than a diversion from the pain, but eventually
the new pet brought new joy to our home.
It is something each of us must weigh for ourselves.
In any event, total
recovery from the pain eventually comes and your life will return to
normal. There will be a time
when you feel guilty for feeling better, but even that will pass.
Nothing will ever take away the sense of absence or your missing
your pet, but the disabling and relentless grief will subside and
eventually disappear. I know
it may not seem that way now, but with all the thousands of people I have
communicated with over the years, it has proven true every single time.
And all of us love (please note that I used the present tense) our
best friends as much as you love yours.
We have just had the benefit of time and the teachings of the Bible
to soothe and help us.
4. Everyone
says I should get over it - they are tired of my grieving.
Why are they so unfeeling? Why
can't they understand?
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People we respect, people
we love, people we trust for support, often do not understand what we are
going through when our emotions are impacted by life circumstances.
This is especially true if they have never themselves experienced
something similar. When we
lose a beloved pet, sometimes they say cruel and calloused things, such as
“get over it already, it was just a cat”, or “what is your problem,
just go buy another dog”, simply because they do not understand the
depth of our pain.
I want to caution you not
to over-react to their lack of understanding.
Too many people buy into the philosophy that when you are down and
out, you will learn who your true friends are.
While this may be true when your house burns down, you get divorced
or you lose your job, I do not think it has any merit when it comes to
their response to our grief over the death of a loved one, animal or
human.
My strong suggestion would
be that you not measure your friends by this standard if they do not
appear to be there for you when you think they should be.
Often, even though it is not obvious, friends and family feel your
pain very, very deeply. They
know you are feeling very low, but they just do not understand how low and
do not know how to react to your grief.
They do not know how to approach you or are afraid of saying the
wrong thing.
Their first response is
usually to try to cheer you up, not realizing that this is the last thing
you need or want. That
failing, they feel inadequate and unable to help.
Perhaps they feel guilty for not being prepared enough to be strong
for you, or maybe they feel ashamed that they came across as flippant when
they did not mean to. Their
own feelings of inadequacy can cause them to be standoffish, but this
makes them no less your friend or loved one.
Of course, I am not
speaking of those shallow people who say reckless and unkind things to you
because they obviously don’t care how you feel or because (as
unbelievable as this may seem) they have no love for animals whatsoever.
It is hard to believe that there are people like that in our world,
but we all know someone like that don’t we?
Let us not concern
ourselves with these types of individuals.
We should not be angered or offended by their callousness.
Somewhere along the way, they missed out on learning compassion,
possibly because they were never shown any themselves.
Their comments should be assigned "zero gravity" so that
they sort of just float away. Cast
them off and forget them. They
have already suffered great loss in this life by not having known the
devotion and love of a precious pet.
For those people who
obviously do care, but who cannot find a way to show it, or are afraid of
dragging you down even further, try to understand and accept what they are
going through. In all
probability your pain is of great importance and concern to them, but they
just do not know what to do to help. Often
they will unintentionally crowd you or make you feel worse than you
already do simply because they want to do something to help.
If you want to avoid this,
get to them first and try to set them at ease. I
have found that by saying something like
“I know what I am going through is difficult for you to understand.
I know you would help me if you could, but there is really nothing
you can do right now. I need
to go through this. If you
would just give me some time and be patient, eventually my pain will be
manageable and I will start being my old self again” always helps.
Then, you need to follow
through on your promise to them. Grieve
as long as you must, but start to focus on positive things as soon as you
are able. Know that your best
friend is not suffering and that he/she is in a far better place than we
could ever imagine. Know too
that you are not to blame, no matter what the circumstances.
Things happen. Sometimes
they are bad things. You are
the type of individual who would do anything to help your pet best friend.
If it was in your power, if you could have done something,
anything…you would have! There
is no room for guilt in unconditional love like that.
Time and focus will help you become the person you were and you
will see that friends and family are still there for you.
Forgive
friends and family their inability to relate to what you are going
through. It doesn’t mean
they did not care. It
doesn’t mean they do not love you. In
fact, in most cases you will find that it is because they care, because
they love you, they either say or do stupid things or worse, keep their
distance because they don't know what to do.
Grieving is one of the
times when we are allowed to be selfish and to over-indulge if we want to.
You take your time in this very private matter.
Set those who care about you at ease and let them know you need
time to grieve and be alone. Then
grieve as long as you need to. But
when you are finished, return to normal for them.
The pain will still be there, but you will have framed it in
context with the rest of your life.
5. Do
animals have souls? My pastor
told me that animals do not have souls.
I am so upset. How can
this be?
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Do not despair.
I think you will enjoy this answer.
We have all lost precious and dear pets.
When they leave us, we like to think that there is a place for them
in eternity…that somehow, someway, provision has been made for them.
However, when we seek validation for these hopes, it seems many of
those we look to in spiritual matters hold to the view that animals are
for this world only, that they do not possess souls, and when they pass,
that is the end of the road for them.
I
find this view to be both presumptuous and theologically immature.
Presumptuous, because the Bible is clear that God valued the
creatures he formed with his own hands and called them "very
good", indicating that their existence pleased him.
The Bible gives record that God, motivated by this pleasure and his
love, personally and purposely protects and provides for his creatures
from Eden past through Millennium future.
Indeed,
his original plan in
Eden
was that animals (like humans)
would live forever. His
immutability precludes variance from that plan; irrespective of the
temporary setback caused by the fall of mankind.
It is presumptuous to think that God would change his mind on this
matter, for his thoughts and plans are perfect and never in need of
correction or change.
Continuing,
I find the idea that animals have no souls theologically immature and
lacking. The evidence found in
scripture does not support such a position.
Quite the opposite is true. It
seems many ministers are content to accept (and pass on to others) what
they heard from their Seminary Professor rather than study the topic out
for themselves.
The
problem with this is that God warns us to "search out a thing whether
it be so" and to "study to show thyself approved…".
A shortcut around God's method of "knowing a thing" will
often lead one to an erroneous view. Such
is the case with animals and the question of whether they are eternal or
temporal creatures. Let
us follow God's advice and see what his word has to say on the topic.
Following is only a glimpse of the overall picture, but it will
serve our purpose. Job
12:10
, says:
"In whose hand is the soul of every living thing”.
The word "soul"
is used in over twenty different ways in the Bible.
Invariably, when people come across this word in scripture, they
automatically associate it with redemption, so much so that no matter in
what context it is used, the connection to salvation is always present in
their minds and applied to the interpretation.
In most cases, this is right and acceptable, but there are times
when it is not.
Clearly, the gospel
message is not for animals. It
is exclusively for people. It
is a reconciliatory outreach from God to those in need of salvation, or
sinners. However, to allow
this truth to cause one to draw the conclusion that animals therefore
cannot have souls, is to visit a gross injustice on scripture.
In fact, the Hebrew word "nephesh" (soul), appears many
times in scripture and is used interchangeably to describe both the
essence of man and animals. It
does not make a distinction between the two and it does not delve into
salvation in its application. Rather,
it addresses the consciousness of that soul.
This passage in Job is a
good example of this point. The
word soul is not used in relation to redemption, but rather addresses
providential care. A better
rendering of its meaning in this verse would be "the
life or essence of every living thing…".
God is speaking of that part of people and animals that contains or
houses the "life" he has given to them.
When we mesh this thought
in Job with Romans chapter 8 and Revelation 5:9-13, the meaning is clear,
the life or essence of every living thing is in the hand of God.
Undoubtedly this means that they are eternally provided for and
protected, because there is no more secure place to be than in the
almighty and eternal hands of God. Moreover,
the evidence of Revelation and Romans is incontrovertible.
However, this word in Job
indicates an even deeper thought for us to consider.
We often refer to man as a flesh and blood body with a soul, but in
truth, in keeping with the absolute intent of this word "nephesh",
man is a soul that has been placed in a flesh and blood body. The
distinction is subtle, but it is immense in effect.
This is our essence, that we are a soul, not a body.
The body is temporal, but the soul eternal.
This truth applies to
animals as well for the same word (nephesh) is used…they are not
creatures with souls, but are eternal souls (or essences) given temporary
bodies. The difference
is, unlike humans, and much like the angels, animals need no redemption.
So when we refer to their souls, we are merely acknowledging that
they have essence and that this essence is eternal in nature, not that
they need redemption like humans. They
are innocent creatures whose souls are safe in the hand of their creator.
The overwhelming evidence is that the soul of an animal is as
eternal as the soul of man.
CLOSING
I hope these tutorials
have been helpful to you. If I
can be of any assistance to you, if you have additional questions or if
you just want to talk, please feel free to contact me.
If it is within my ability, I will give you all the time you need
and answer any question you have from a Biblical perspective.
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