She’s gone.  She was there for you through high school, wagging her tail in earnest as the bus dropped you off after school.  Then later, waiting patiently for those infrequent holidays when you would come home from college, she would be the first to greet you as you came up the walkway.   Though she couldn't attend your wedding, she was a welcome third party in your marriage, and gladly became loving companion to your own children as they were added to the family.  She was always there for you, always thumping her tail on the floor with excitement and springing up at your approach.  It is still a numbing thought, but there is no denying it.  She is gone and your life will never be the same.   

You have labored through denial for awhile, then anger and guilt, and finally acceptance came.  You have come to terms with the brutal reality that physical life ends for all living things, and somehow you are managing to move on with your life.  Still, all is not right. You want things to return to normal.  You want to excel at work, to be a great spouse and mom or dad, but you simply lack the motivation.  

Something is tapping your ability to focus.  At this time when things should be on the road to normal, there seems to be hidden, unresolved issues or questions that are contributing to continued unhappiness; issues that maybe you were even aware of, but for one reason or another, you have buried them in your haste to move on past the pain.  

In speaking with people who have suffered deep and personal pet losses and who cannot seem to get on top of their emotions, it is usually easy to discern what is bothering them even if they will not readily acknowledge the problem themselves.  There is no trick to this.  Anyone who will earnestly listen and hear someone's pain can usually get a clearer picture than the sufferer.  

It takes no special talent or training to hear what someone is saying and to suggest a way that might help.  This “ability” is somewhat akin to a chess or checkers game, where an onlooker can see moves and strategies that the actual players cannot see, presumably because they are too close to the board (or problem).   Unlike a chess game however, where an intrusive onlooker is often scolded for their unsolicited input, help to deal with pain is often welcome.  

If you are recovering from a loss, but finding a return to happiness elusive, perhaps you would allow me to “look over your shoulder” at the chessboard of life before you for just a moment and share some of the things I have learned from hundreds of readers.  As different and diverse as we all are, there are a few areas where we are most assuredly alike.  Grief and the long recovery process is one of them. It is my hope that by discussing some of the concerns of people who have written me, people with concerns just like yours and mine, you might benefit.

The most common concern that readers present is actually the most complicated.  Without exception, people anxiously ask about animal afterlife.  Imbedded in their question is a grief that transcends their loss. They have already dealt with the initial shock and pain of their loss.  They have explored the available psychiatric books and perhaps joined a grief support group.  Here they found wonderful professional and personal help that aided them in coming to grips with their loss.  

As great as these aids are, however, the bottom line advice usually given in such forums is “get over it and move on”.  The buzz word that is usually passed on to someone who is grieving is “closure”.  Unfortunately, when it comes to these wonderful personalities we call pets, few of us want closure.  We do not want to forget.  We do not want to move on, at least not without cherishing their memories.  

These precious creatures were, for all practical purposes, members of the family.  We want to hold on to and embrace their memory as we would a beloved departed relative.  Closure is not an option and the very thought of it causes us a nausea and aching inside that is almost unbearable, for even contemplating "forgetting" smacks of betrayal.  

Invariably, those who love their companion pets balk at the notion of closure.  Instead, we look for and hope for the knowledge that we can keep our memories open with a hope of reunion some day.  After dealing with the many tiers (no pun intended) of grief and finding that life can go on, we then want to contemplate that question that haunts each of us who have had to bid farewell to a best friend pet…the question of afterlife.  

Once the grief has subsided and we can focus enough to think again, we start to wonder where little "Sparky" went.  Unconsciously, we try to push the question aside because heretofore there has been no answer.  Unfortunately, as much as we try to avoid the topic, the question continues to haunt us.  Do animals have an eternity or do they just cease to exist as many suppose.  

These haunting questions can often renew our grief with an even more deeply gnawing impact than the loss itself, because if there is anything worse than losing a pet we love, it would be thinking that they not only passed, but completely ceased to exist after passing.  And as long as these questions are left dangling and unanswered, they are going to nag at us and prevent us from ever truly enjoying life to the fullest.  Hopefully, the following will help clear the air for you.

There are an extraordinary number of reasons people grieve.  Most of them are selfless reasons of wondering what more they could have done to have cared for or protected their best friend (i.e. what food they could have fed them, what exercise regimen they could have employed, what Veterinarian they took them to, etc.).  Guilt imagined or real, is not a good reason to grieve.  Guilt is a foul emotion that serves only to fuel feelings of doubt and regret, and you just do not need these.

In my economy, there is only one justifiable reason to grieve, and it is not selfless in nature (as blaming ourselves is), but rather selfish.  We should grieve because we miss our best friend.  We should grieve their absence, because their absence impacts adversely on "me".  And when we grieve for this reason, we should let our hair down, drop any inhibitions, and just let ourselves selfishly sob.  Loss is one of the few times selfishness is acceptable.  Grieving is one of those things where we are allowed to over-indulge.  Of course, reason tells us that grieving should not be perpetual, that eventually time heals all wounds and normalcy will return, but while within the reasonable period of grief, allow yourself to spend any amount of tears you need to.

Now that we have properly framed grief, so that we grieve for the right reason, we can take the edge off of it by answering the question of where our pets are now and understanding that they are in a better place because death may take the body, but not the soul (discussed in detail in my article "The Souls of Animals").  

If they suffered here, they suffer no more.  If they were ill here, that illness was left behind.  Although their absence saddens us, because we truly love them, we can find joy in knowing that they are well and in a better place.  Sometimes, when you truly love your animal, you can set your own feelings of sadness aside and find real joy in knowing that they are well and happy, vicariously celebrating for them.  

The next most common problem I perceive from reader feedback is not as complicated as the former, but is a bit more difficult to address, because it deals with personal relationships.  So many people complain to me that friends, family and even ministers display a lack of compassion for their losses, and lend no support whatsoever.  Worse, on occasion they are told “come on, it was only a dog (cat), get over it already”.  I readily relate to this as a similar reaction to one of my losses from a minister’s wife hurt me very deeply.  

My counsel to those who have been the recipients of such curt and insensitive comments is to forgive.  Too many people buy into that old philosophy that when you are down, you will learn who your true friends are by how they react to your dilemma.  While this may be true when your house burns down or your marriage falls apart, I do not think it has any merit when it comes to grief over the death of an animal.  My strong suggestion is that you not measure your friends by this standard if they do not appear to be there for you when your pet passes away.  

Sometimes people just cannot relate because they have never made a pet part of their life or home.  They have never experienced the warmth and unwavering dedication that an animal gives.  They know nothing of the faithfulness and allegiance that is given without reservation.  Indeed, they have missed out on one of the most precious experiences this life has to offer.  Consequently, they can not relate to the depth of your pain.  For these, feel sympathy rather than disdain.

For others, know this…often people feel your pain very, very deeply, but they just do not know how to react to your grief.  They do not know how to handle what you are going through and they are afraid of saying the wrong thing.  Their first response may be to joke or cheer you up by saying something clever…but then realize too late that this is the last thing you need.  

Realizing that their attempt to cheer you failed, they may then feel inadequate and unable to help.  Perhaps they feel guilty for not being prepared enough to be strong for you.  Or maybe they just feel ashamed that they came across as flippant when they did not mean to. This makes them no less your friend.  Know that they are hurting for you and that they do want to help.  They just do not know how.  Give them a pass on this.  As you come around, they will see opportunities to speak to you about it on a level they can understand.  

Finally, we come to an area that probably is more my concern than that of people contacting me.  No matter how populated with friends and family our life may be, losing a best friend can make you feel so very alone.  Unless I am dealing with someone who is very old or very ill, I always recommend that they consider acquiring a new pet just as quickly as they can.  The reaction I get is predictable.  People are shocked, almost offended.  The idea that they should acquire another pet to replace their best friend!  

Replacement is not the premise for my recommendation.  I believe in people who grieve the passing of their pets.  These are special people, with very, very big hearts, hearts that are spacious, with room enough to give place to more than one animal at a time.  I would never suggest that someone “replace” their best friend.  Remember, I am the one who refutes the idea of closure.  

There are so many wonderful animals out there that are in need of rescue.  They are just waiting for someone to walk through the shelter door, to point at them and say “that one – I want that one”.  What a wonderful gesture it would be, instead of replacing your best friend who has passed, to rescue one of his/her kind in their honor, snatching them from certain death to live in your loving home.  The joy of that animal finding a new home where they can be loved will manifest itself into a loving devotion for you and your family and ultimately serve as a balm to heal the void left by the passing of your best pal.

I have three dogs acquired in such a way.  They were all saved from cruel lives and endings.  Their names are Missy, Odie and Daisy.  We call them the MOD Squad, using the first initials in each of their names to form the acronym.  They are three of the sweetest, most loving creatures I have ever known.  And I have found that I can hold all of my past friends in my heart and still have room for the Mod Squad.  Was it hard for me to seek out these new friendships?  A little.  But in no time they wiggled and wagged their way into my heart and to my surprise, hastened the dispatching of my grief.

If the memory is still causing you pain, maybe you need to take one of the steps outlined above: frame your grief in a context that allows you to feel joy for your friend who has passed from this life; forgive those who appear to have failed you in your time of need, and; consider filling the void in your life with something that you know makes you happy…the love of an animal.